Big girls don’t cry… Do they?

Do you ever feel completely powerless, unable to move? Do you ever feel confused with life, not knowing what to do with it? Do you ever find yourself crying because of the enormous pain growing inside you for no apparent reason? And it all makes you feel even worse about yourself because in the end you have nothing to complain about. After all, there are people in this world who are starving, have no roof above their head or are fighting with cancer. And you find yourself so horribly ungrateful, even spoiled for crying over your life. Well, I must tell you, you are not alone. I have also suffered from the feelings of pointlessness, feeling powerless and confused, asking myself ‘When does it all end? Where am I headed? What am I to do with myself?’.

I never was a person who would settle for a ‘standard’ way of life. I’ve always experienced the feeling of not fitting into this whole scheme – finishing college, finding a job, getting married, having kids. One day I finally realised I never wanted any of that but it made me so much more confused as then I didn’t really know what to do with my life instead. So I started observing myself and my feelings. I started paying attention to those moments and activities that made me feel alive and happy. And I must tell you, it worked miracles for me. The observant approach made me get to know myself better and helped me realize that what I really needed in my life were my passion. The moments when I felt the most free and present were the ones when I was dancing, writing poetry or stories, listening to certain songs or just enjoying the surrounding nature – watching the beautiful sunset or the sea.

You see, I am the type of person whom many call ‘a dreamer’. I often find myself absent-minded, staring into space while my mind is drifting away. When I decided to finally follow my dreams, take the less socially-accepted path, I found myself surrounded with people telling me how unrealistic I am, how I don’t think about the future and I will end up living in poverty. It does hurt to hear those things from the people you love, but the thing they don’t understand is that everyone is different. Every person has their own path in life and just because one finds happiness in stability – well-paid job and a family, it doesn’t mean that everyone else has to be the same. Recently, I have found myself seeking this stability until I stopped in my tracks and asked myself ‘Why am I doing this? Is this what I really want? Or is it something I have been taught to seek in life?’. In fact, what I realised was that I don’t want stability. I actually feel the happiest when I change the country where I live every year or so. What I want is adventure, constant evolution, constant broadening of my horizons. I want to try different things, different experiences, different jobs. I want to get to know different people, different cultures. And it’s not as someone had told me, because I’m trying to run away from something. I’m not running away. I’m just changing, evolving – isn’t it what life is about?

However, the other thing is that the feelings of anxiety, fear and uncertainty didn’t stop. They always find a way to creep into my life in the most unexpected moments. And then I just let myself cry.

I think the problem in our society is that we don’t give ourselves permission to be weak, to be vulnerable, to simply cry. We are seeking a magical formula that will make us feel happy all the time. It would be the best if it came in the form of a pill that we could just swallow and get instant results.  But what if it doesn’t exist? What if life isn’t about the easiest and fastest solutions to everything, contrary to what advertising is trying to instill in us?

I believe that it is indeed possible to enjoy yourself most of the time but we all need balance in life and sadness brings this balance in there. If you want to live your life to the fullest, you shouldn’t deprive yourself of those feelings. Letting yourself feel sad from time to time is an incredibly refreshing, in fact – almost enjoyable, experience.

On the other hand, it’s also good to distinguish the small moments of weakness from the returning sense of emptiness and despair, because the latter can be a sign of serious problems that can end up being reflected in everything you do in life. What I’ve learned is that these strong emotions that we find hard to understand and even the ways we act even though we don’t mean to, they all are a product of our subconsciousness. You see, if from the early stages in your life you’ve been criticised for something or ordered to act in a certain way, it all ended up burned into your subconsciousness as facts that lead your actions and thinking without your conscious choice. Even the information you surround yourself with in the form of radio stations you listen to, programmes that you watch, it all affects the way your subconsciousness instructs you to see life – as a dangerous or a safe place, as the place where dreams can come true or the place where you have to struggle all the time… The good news is that if you change what is written in your subconsciousness and thus how you think and see life, literally everything in your life will change. This is why it is so important to surround yourself with positive influences – people, programmes, music, movies, books. And this is also why practically all the coaches and masters in the world stress the importance of positive thinking and affirmations. Because the only way you can change something in your subonciousness is by repetition. Your mind needs to have a proof that something is right by getting enough stimuli that it is. (I am preparing a set of exercises for that which will be available for all my subscribers, so stay tuned!)

Coming back to my story, I am still searching and learning. I know I do make mistakes, but since I have found the courage to admit in front of myself that I am in fact vulnerable, I know that I will survive. I’m following the path of my own choice and this gives me the motivation to go on and fight for what I really want from life. So what I want to share with you is that in whatever point you are in your life right now, whatever problems you are struggling with, remember that it’s ok to be imperfect. It’s ok to show vulnerability and sometimes shed a few tears. It’s a part of life so just enjoy it and don’t let anyone tell you to change your path. If you feel it’s right for you, you don’t need any more assurance.

Lausanne by night

4 thoughts on “Big girls don’t cry… Do they?

  1. I love this. It’s true, too. A lot of people are so focused on what they think life means that they forget to actually live how they want. I know I’m guilty of it at times, too, but I struggle, and I’m following my dreams. I hope wherever you end up you are enjoying yourself. 🙂

  2. I can’t even begin to explain how much I love this post. Keep following your dreams and ambitions girl! I literally wrote a blog post about the lack of people following their dreams due to fear of loosing stability literally the other day! It’s a very touching, raw, yet sadly truthful subject. Very lovely words. X

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